Polar Bears Drink Pepsi NOT Coke

In this hour when I'm sitting here in front on my lappy wondering what the hell am I going to type, I shall attempt to plan some things out for a little self-improvement. Now, I know that this blog has been rowed into the valley of Hades and gone through some seriously dark shit, but I'm going to change. I shall only be emotional within my pathetic excuse of a self. HA! See the little irony/contradiction I did there. Anyways, there are some things I want done by the end of this holiday. When the school term starts I want at least 4 things done:

1. Get to a weight below 60KG
2. Shape myself a little
3. Know basics of my 3rd/4th language
4. Sewn cute little pencil cases or pillow cases from old shirt

Not a lot to ask for really. In order for my plan to succeed, I must come out with a concrete plan. Really concrete plan. Not those half-baked plans I used to make up in my head whenever I'm not able to sleep.

• Dieting - A more or less carb-less diet. For breakfast, I will have a packet of milo for energy and a banana. For lunch, I shall eat soupy stuff that has relatively no meat and carbs like Yong Tau Fu - an alternative, if soupy stuff cannot be found or I'm simply too bored of it, would be apples and papaya. For dinner, it'll be strictly corn or sashimi or other fruits not yet explored. Drinks will be strictly plain water and green tea without sugar whatsoever. Snackings strictly prohibited. If mouth is itchy, only tasteless unsalted peanuts like almonds.
• Exercising - Exams now, a little hard. However, I'll attempt to do my morning routine (40 sit ups, 10 push ups, 40 crunches and 10 push ups) When I'm freer, I will attempt to run every Mon, Wed and Fri (venue tentatively at Bedok Stadium unless I can find a better place). 
• 3rd/4th language - I'll find classes to accommodate Tues and Thurs (or sat cause Thurs is choir) Hopefuly, I can get French and be good at it.. Need to work hard for it
• Sewing, erm.. need to research on it first

So there you go. This is my plan for self-improvement. Sigh.. I wish I can like do more than this but let's be realistic ok? =D

CHEER ME ON!

Remember when I was happier and crazier before all the shit happened.. Back in time when I didn't have to bother with a single fucked up friend with his/her fucked up problems.. I remember it all.. Yes everyone, if you guys can be all selfish and fucked up, I think I can be too.. Watch out world.. The old Lionel is BACK!.. *confetti  is thrown into the air*

So you think you're the best in the world eh? Guess what oblong, You're worse than the flies that feast on dog shit.. Just saying.. And for the rest of you guys out there, if you wanna believe that the world should bow and worship you just because you're having the worst time of your life.. Fuck you.. Please go and kill yourself and leave this world in peace..

Ahhh.. Sweet catharsis doing its work.. FANTASTIC.. Feel so much better..

By the way arty farty people... GET A FUCKING LIFE.. PLEASEEEE get out of your circle of shame.. No.. Wait.. your obscure circle of shame and realise that the world spins in a different direction from your artistic (or what you assume as artistic) wants.. That doesn't make you special.. It's makes you different.. And different in an annoying, time wasting sense..

Basically fuck everyone and hope that the world ends in 2012 cause it'll rid of people like you guys.. =)

WOW... Ironically, my selfish post is about others.. WOOTS

I get it.. But I don't like it.. Tell me again why do I need this crap of a life? 

Ok.. Done emo-ing for today.. I'm FREAKING BORED..

OMG.. I can't believe how bored I am! I can't breathe properly..

BREATHE BREATHE!!

Would you like some tonight?

There's something wrong with me..

Oh wells..

No idea why but I woke up slightly happier! HAHA! Maybe it was that wonderful dream that I had.. At least we were still talking to one another.. At times like this, I wish that dreams were really signs for us to interpret.. signs of what is to come.. But I know dreams are just what we want.. Or maybe it's the idea that I'm going for a drink with a friend who I haven't seen in a long long time.. Sigh...

Anyways.. Yesterday, though no dim sum, we ended up in some Korean BBQ restaurant and oh my.. what a sight.. =D HAHA! And after that weird tea session at Fruit Paradise.. Can't believe that Grace does teapot talking too! Found crazy friends.. I say CRA! You say ZY! CRAZY!! WOOHOO!!

HAHA!

Oh no.. I've been neglecting you (this blog) ever since the holiday started.. Don't cry my little child, daddy's back! =D

How has the holidays been? Well.. Not exactly THAT fantastic but survivable.. At least I would like to think it so.. HAHA! Can't seem to leave the bed though even I'm fully awake.. Just like to lie there and ROT... And stink up the entire house.. =D

It's been a week since I've deleted the number from my phone.. I feel like i'm quitting smoking or something.. HAHA! Where's my sponsor!? I've been surviving in a very weird kind of way..

Suppose to keep self occupied with work but I just brushed them aside! No point in doing something that won't benefit me at all.. After all, you were the one who taught me to think for myself.. To think of what I want and not what others want.. Yeah.. Trying to do that but not exactly WORKING!!

The only events I'm looking forward to are those where my friends and I are doing nothing but shopping, eating and drinking.. 

Time I started running..

Everything's been so random lately...

bleh...

Have you ever gotten out of bed feeling the day will be a fantastic day and all will be well? As though nothing was missing from your life and that the only way to do justice was to live the day to the fullest.. Well.. I had those days but they're gone.. Now, waking up is a chore... Setting the alarm is like setting the date for my return to prison after being released on bail.. Lying in the bed after I wake doesn't force a smile out of me rather my lips curl to the shape that resembles the pronunciation of "O Shit"..

Planning the day is tedious.. Because I know what it'll be filled with, or rather who - me. There's only me and nobody else.. Getting out of the house alone is pretty sad so I would rather stay home.. But staying home would definitely mean being alone.. I try to think of things to do that could help distract me from all these.. But face it.. Distractions will always be nothing but distractions.. Distractions can't talk to you or laugh with you or lie with you.. They can only allow a sort of sickish passing of time..

This brings me to the question.. Why am I passing time or forcing myself to pass time? Wanting to pass time means that whatever is happening now isn't worth stopping for.. I just want to keep going... Going where? There is no more destination for me.. I'm not looking forward to anything at all.. If I'm not.. Why do I bloody need to find things to pass the time? It's like keeping myself tired with drudgery for nothing..

What do I get out of all this? A post full of rantings and a heart full of air.. Portals filled with water, life isn't fair..

Goodnight.. I hope my sleep can last forever... =|

It's okay.. It's okay.. It's okay..

It was done for your own good

You should have expected it

It's okay.. It's okay.. It's okay..

You have forgiven me.. It's kind of liberating.. But I'm still a little sad.. Because we can't be friends anymore.. I did stupid things and said stupid things.. I deserve to lose your friendship... Though I would like it.. But it was my mistake.. I have no right to demand of it.. I can only dream of it..

Goodbye..

Since we are to meet no more, there is no reason for me to lie:

I wish you all the best in everything
I wish you all the best in your studies
I wish you all the best in your love life
I wish you all the best in your future
I wish you all the best because you deserve it
You were great
You were wonderful
You were kind
You were nice
You even took all the blame when you didn't have to
Therefore, you deserve the best..

Goodbye

I just want to curl up and cry all day long.. Hopefully no one else will be hurt by me.. I cannot live like this.. Always hurting people.. Always forcing my ways onto others.. I'm sorry for hurting you and blaming you.. You were so nice to me and I blew it all up.. I really am sorry.. sorry sorry sorry sorry..

I'm sorry..

Please forgive me

If you don't forgive me...

I must have really been that bad...

I'm sorry..

You know that you're a terrible person when you realise that you've been the nasty one, the one hurting the person who treats you well and who took all the blame..

I'm sorry... You shouldn't have been so kind... I'm sorry for everything.. I should not have done all those stupid things... You deserve more than an apology, but even that, you won't accept... I've lost a friend and it's my own doing.. I deserve to feel like shit.. I do not deserve you anymore.. I've lost your respect for me.. And yet, you were one someone who really understood me most.. I'm sorry.. If you can't forgive me, I can't forgive myself... I pray to God that he'll put it in you to forgive me.. But I hurt you too deeply... I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm sorry...